TRAUMA HEALING

Loss And Grief

Loss threatens a person's need for security and safety. A serious loss can affect the very core of self identity, a loss such as the loss of social roles, physical attributes, emotional attributes and the opportunity for specific behaviour and interactions with persons who are important for us. It means also our loss of our usual skills to deal with difficult situations.

Sometimes loss occurs in traumatic circumstances (trauma = an unpredictable, intensive event, beyond the usual human experience which frightens almost anyone) and it leads to chaos, helplessness and the fear of being totally exposed to a life threatening danger, with no ways with which to deal with it.

Many children experience sudden unexpected traumatic events within the family, very often related to family violence, which should be differentiated from extreme situational traumatisation. The extreme situational trauma which occurs in war conditions means a constant violent environment, loss of security, depressed parents etc.

Some children students have long term reactions to traumatic events while others seem to cope with the same situation in an almost non-problematic way.

For a child to grieve and to integrate their trauma he/she needs:

• a reasonably secure attachment to the parents before the loss
• to be given accurate information about what has happened
• to be allowed to ask questions, and take part in grieving rituals
• to have the comforting presence of a known and trusted person

If the mentioned criteria are met the child might go through some of the following stages of the grieving process. Group leaders working with trauma as well as other persons close to a traumatized child should learn how to identify some of the child's reactions and should be familiar with the process of bereavement.

Since adults find it hard to cope with grief in children, a child will soon pick up the unspoken signals and refrain from asking questions. The child will not talk about the event and will not show any signs caused by the loss. By avoiding any talk about trauma the child will be caught in the feelings of hurt, guilt, sadness or anger.

To be able to develop the internal plan of action of how to heal the situation, to be able to develop the proper future orientation action plan, the child needs to express or talk about the loss and trauma. This communication however is not passive listening. The main thing in communicating with students is active listen-ing. That is an intensive exchange of active and passive receiving, listening with brief silent moments (pauses) and gentle encouragement.

The following are some basic guidelines for communication with a grieving child:

• listen, recognize and verbalize the child's feelings,
• pay attention to the child's comments or questions, show empathy,
• share emotions,
• encourage a relaxed atmosphere, and have fun together
• even when dealing with serious and hard life situations.

Adults can often underestimate a child's suffering. But children at school talk to each other about their grieving moments. We shall start with the assumption that by talking in a group of their peers, pupils will be able to understand each other better and in that way help each other to deal with their loss.

Loss And Separation

"Loss is a fact of life: from the day of our birth we are exposed to losses and separations." This sentence sounds as if loss and separation coping reactions could be learned e.g. by its reoccurrence loss becomes less dangerous for the self. Bowelby, in his attachment theory explains why this is not possible. "Attachment behaviour accomplishes the instinctual need for survival and safety, and leads to the development of affectional bonds. Disruption of the bonds is a threat to survival. The process of grieving is a natural and healthy response to this separation anxiety in infants".

The diagram GRIEF STAGES shows that the integration of the loss begins with hope and working through issues and problems, which enables the person to see a new reality and make positive changes in his/her present life. The interest of the person is directed outward with a focus on present and future. This "working through the loss" doesn't guarantee an overall recovery, the emotional pain may still surface, but less intensely and less frequently.

The crucial point in working through past loss and separation is to talk/think about factors that will help in the grieving process and factors can hinder it (e.g. ambivalent relation with the lost person, resentments, emergence of previous losses, lack of support). Such hinderenees sometimes stop a person from saying farewell to the lost person (animal, toy..), which must happen in the separation process.

"Letting Go"

To reach recovery as part of the grieving process we need the "letting go" phase, acceptance of reality as it is, and adjustment to this reality. The heaviness of the grief and loss experience presses upon us. Yet sometimes we would rather carry that weight than let it go, because "it is to heavy to move anywhere" or "where- ever we go, it will follow us." With this heaviness we have a feeling that we still keep something of the lost person, or we still plan to finish the unfinished business we have with someone.

The problem is that life brings more and more heavy situations. If we would collect them all, and keep the heaviness for ourselves, we would move slowly, our shoulders would collapse because of this burden, and we would become passive and depressed. Sometimes people in this state of collected anger and sadness choose not to let it go. For fear that if they did, they would be in danger of facing emptiness or loneliness. Their lives would have little meaning.

"The most efficient way of coping with stress is to work on traumatic experience, on regaining the lost feeling of self-control and gaining insight into one's own problem."

But life itself provides the energy to go on. The feeling that "after the rain comes the sunshine," or that "tomorrow will be another day" can help us to try again, and allow some of the burden to be removed. We therefore become free to start a new life.