Strategies of Cooperation in Nonviolent Conflict Resolving

How to resolve conflicts in the manner of winner/winner?

The winner/winner approach is a type of interpersonal management. It means that in relations with others we apply our imagination, courage, conscience, and independence. It means that we learn from one another, that we influence one another so that we both profit.

Many people think in dichotomies, in the manner either/or. They think that if you are kind, you cannot be firm. But the winner/winner approach means that you are both kind and firm. Twice as firm as in the framework loser/winner. So that you may chose the winner/winner option you have to be both kind and courageous. You have to be able to sympathize and you have to have self respect. You have to be considerate, sensitive, and courageous. To be able to achieve equilibrium between courage and considerateness--this is the essence of the winner/winner approach (according to Stephen R. Coovey's book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People).

Those who resolve conflicts attack the problem, and not the person. Accusing a person accelerates or widens the conflict and provokes self-defence. Attacking the problem leads to a resolution of the conflict.

For example, the personal attack "You never do anything on time!"' could be transformed into a communication without accusation: "Can you tell me how we can get this done on time?" Effective conflict resolution confers responsibility without accusation.

Effective conflict resolution distances the person from the problem. The majority of conflicts arise because of bad situations, and not because of bad people. The majority of personal conflicts result from situations which people confront. The sides in a conflict which recognize this can join together their strengths in order to create different circumstances. The opponents can become partners in the course of working on changing the circumstances which pit one person against the other.

Collaboration brings about decisions of bilateral benefit (gain). The approach of mutual benefit of the type "I win / You win" (winner/winner) can be summed up in the formula:

The winner/loser approach can be expressed in the formula:

Whenever people participate in decision-making, they support the decision.

What we will be doing today: We are practicing the six steps on the ladder which lead to nonviolent conflict resolution. We are focusing on partnership or cooperation in our attacking the problem.

	Bombarding with praise. We divide up into groups of 6 to 8 members. In the middle of the circle formed by each group a volunteer enters, whom the whole group bombards with praise, but one by one in turn, saying what things he values about the person in the middle. Everybody in the group must take a turn. The one who is being praised may not speak, but can only make gestures.
	The doors to nonviolence. A big poster hangs on the wall: it is a picture with six doors (closed), which when they are opened show a step that it is necessary to take when we practice successful conflict resolution . The teacher prepares a poster like the one illustrated in the worksheets "Closed door" and "Open the door". Each door can be opened, and underneath is the photocopied text for that step. Note to the teacher: If the teacher wants to use easier and shorter way of teaching the main steps of constructive conflict resolving - there is very useful ABCDE scheme (Kreidler, 1997). Here is our ABCDE image of opening 6 doors to nonviolence: A   - Ask B   - Brainstorming C   - Choose one D   - Do it E   - Evaluate Here is our ABCDE image of opening 6 doors to nonviolence: One pupil goes out and opens door No. 1: "Write down in your notebook what Damir's needs are, and what Nemir's are. Try finding I-messages, put yourself in their shoes, but without accusing the other side." When everybody has written down I-messages for each character, another pupil opens door No. 2: "Write down what the problem is, but including the needs of both children, so that both can agree on what is really the problem." Afterwards, everyone reads their answers, and two volunteers take turns writing them down on the blackboard. The whole class has to reach a consensus on what problem really is. We open door No. 3: By brainstorming (creative thinking) we look for the most diverse ideas - everyone proposes the most imaginative resolution of the conflict until some proposals appear which seem to be acceptable to both. Door No. 4: Now we evaluate all the proposals which are on the board, first crossing out those which would be unacceptable and then we discuss the rest. We divide the pupils into two groups: one side stands in the shoes of Damir, and the other in the shoes of Nemir. We have to be honest and consider the resolution from the point of view of Damir and from the point of view of Nemir. Door No. 5: Finally Damir and Nemir agree on one resolution which seems to be the most acceptable to both. They agree to try it. They think about which of them will do it (or will not). They agree on when they will do it. Door No. 6: After a couple of days verify how the decision that Damir and Nemir made together - is being carried out. Is the resolution functioning or did one of them consider it unfair? Does something need to be changed? Well, then we have to begin at the first step: again to define what the problem is. Conclusion: How do you feel now? Let everybody draw his mood in the form of a weather cards. Show them by raising them high above the head. Did we learn something? Let us put some thoughts on the board.
	Are you TOOLY-MOOLY? The game is played with eyes closed. Everybody in the circle turns back to the middle of the circle and begins to walk like a sleepwalker with arms stretched out. Tooly-Mooly is an unusual anthropod insect, invertebrate who doesn't make his presence known. He is rather sluggish, and very sensitive. He longs for love, but can't say this to anyone because he is mute. But if you touch him, you will feel it immediately, and become part of him, Tooly-Mooly. This is why you must look for him. Now everybody is squinting. The one who was given a sign is Tooly-Mooly. The others look for it. When they touch someone, they ask, is it Tooly-Mooly? If that one answers no, he isn't (and himself says to the question of another that he/she isn't .Then they both keep looking further. If they touch somebody, and to the question "Are you Tooly-Mooly?" - there is no answer, the touched one is quiet, we know that it is Tooly-Mooly. Then he/she opens eyes and grabs the hand with the one who is Tooly-Mooly. Then when others fly on you - be quiet and don't answer the question because you are Tooly-Mooly. The chain of Tooly-Moolies grows, until everybody has become Tooly-Mooly, be-ing quiet, soft caterpillar full of love.

THE DOORS TO NONVIOLENCE OPEN DOORS - THE PROCESS OF 6 STEPS YOU MUST TAKE if you are committed to effective conflict resolution. Open all 6 doors in order. Door No. 1 What is the problem (for person A)? What is the problem (for person B)? Determine what is the reason for the conflict from the perspective, i.e., from the point of view of the needs, of person A or person B (and person C, etc.), who are in conflict. The problem has to be stated in the form of I-messages, as if person A, B. C, etc., were speaking, but without accusing the other side. Door No. 2 What is the problem for A and B (about which A and B agree)? Determine what is the problem: what are the reasons for the conflict from the position (needs) of both sides. Both sides must agree with this definition of the problem. Door No. 3 Let both sides (all participants) propose the most creative ideas for resolving the conflict (without regard to the real circumstances). With the brainstorming approach all participants in the conflict think up the most diverse resolutions, even options which are funny and impossible. Door No. 4 Throwing out the resolutions that are impossible and unacceptable for both sides. Considering and weighing each idea. Door No. 5 Selecting a resolution which is acceptable to both sides. Both sides themselves make the decision and accept the obligations which arise from the agreement. Door No. 6 Confirming that the agreement is still respected: are both sides still satisfied and in agreement with their decision about the suggested resolution? (See next page)

Worksheet for Teachers Going up the Conflict Escalator Every behaviour in the conflict is either a step up or a step down the conflict escalator. Every step up the conflict escalator has feelings that go with it. As the conflict escalates, so do the feelings. No one gets on the escalator empty handed. They always have a baggage they bring to the conflict. Baggage can be filled with: past relationship with the person current feelings about the person past experiences with conflict feelings about self prejudices and stereotypes The higher you go on the escalator, the harder it is to come down. It is possible to come down the escalator at any time with awareness and skills. © William J. Kreidler, 1991

Four Different Endings Both people get what they want Person 1 gets what he or she wants but person 2 doesn't Person 1 doesn't get what he or she wants but person 2 does Neither person gets what he or she wants © Educators for Social Responsibility, 1995

Open all doors!

WHAT I AM DOING AND WHY I AM DOING IT Conflict situations What I usually do How I feel When somebody accuses me of something I didn't do     When somebody pushes me and hits me for no reason     When somebody makes fun of me (my appearance, my background, my name, my behaviour ...)     When my peers exclude me from their company or games     When somebody steals my money or some favourite possession     When somebody slanders me     When somebody doesn't fulfil a promise he made     When school problems pressure me (tests, exams, grades)     When I am forced to sit next to somebody I don't want to sit next to     When my pet disappears     When somebody curses my parents     Task: Pick one situation which is familiar to you, and which you have experienced, and answer what you did then and how you felt.