Nonviolent Communication

What we will be doing today: Recognizing and identifying one's own (and others') needs and feelings. Under-stand-ing the model of nonviolent communication as a process of clearly expressing and receiving 4 pieces of information: observa-tions, feelings, needs and requests. Practising messages (statements) that do not accuse others.

	Approvals. Everyone is sitting around the box full of approvals from the previous workshop. Pupils get up in alphabetic order (their names) and pick up one approval (if it happens to be theirs, they put it back and try again). They read the approval and give it to someone they think needs to be supported. Feedback discussion: How did you like the approvals you read/heard? Would you like to receive any of them? How did you decide whom to give the approval? How does it feel to get a present like this? You were given many of them. Would you like to share the approvals you received with pupils that haven't got any? What approvals are expressed in I-statements and what in you-statements? (Pupils have the written approvals in their hands.)
	The rosebush fantasy. Sit down comfortably, close your eyes, begin to follow how air enters your lungs and how it goes out. Imagine that your breathing is like the waves on a sandy beach. Each wave washes away the tension and impatience from your body. What thoughts are going through your head? Please put all of those thoughts into a glass jug. Look at them from all sides. Put your hand into the jug and stir them around. Tip the jug and spill them out. Now the jug is empty, put it aside. Imagine that you are a rosebush. What kind of rosebush are you? Are you small? Do you have flowers? What colours are your flow-ers? Are you in full bloom or do you only have buds? Do you have leaves? What are your branches like? What are your roots like? Are they deep? Do you have thorns? Where are you? In a Garden? In a park? In the desert? Are you in a pot? Discover the details which are in your surroundings. Are you alone? Are there trees? Animals? People? Is there a fence? Or are you in an open space? What do you feel? What is your life like as a rosebush? Does someone take care of you? What bothers you? ....Since you can do whatever you want in your imagination, I invite you to slowly begin changing your form . . . into yourself, into human form. Watch what part of the bush becomes a hand . . . feel each step of the transformation. What parts become your head, which are the legs, which the torso? When you are sure that not one thorn, not one petal is remaining on you, return to this room and open your eyes. Please draw your rosebush.* Discussion: Who wants to tell us what he/she looked like and how she/he felt? It is important that one speaks to the group in I-statements (for example: I am a rosebush, I am short and stocky, my roots are long and strong, and my buds are few but fragrant, around me there is a tall fence...) How does it feel to talk from the rosebush perspective? Can you understand now the needs of the rosebush better? To listen actively and to hear what another person has really told us, to communicate means: to try to be in his/her shoes, to understand his/her feelings and needs, to hear what is beyond the words.
	Remember my move. Demonstrate some movements. Let the first be stretching the arms above the head. Call it number 1. Continue until you get to the toes (number 9). Call out the numbers at random, and everyone has to remember and take the position which corresponds to the number you called.
	Role play. There are two chairs within the circle, facing each other. We find volunteers to take turns to come forward, to sit in one chair and to imagine that sitting opposite them is an imagined person. The volunteer has to imagine himself/herself in a role that is written on a situation card and tell us what his/her feelings are and what their expectations are regarding the imagined person. They talk to it as if it were real. Feedback discussion: How did you feel while role playing? What did spectators observe? How did our actors communicate? Was it non-violent or violent communication? Did they fight? Did someone win? What was the general atmosphere like? This technique makes communication easier for a child who wants to express needs and feelings that are opposite to the expectations of his/her adults. It is much easier to contradict an imagined person than a real one. Through this role play pupils will practise I-state-ments in situations that are as close to their real life as possible. They will play roles given through situation cards and imagine they are talking to a specific, real, adult person.
	Write the end of the story. On the worksheet "Needs and feelings," there are two stories told. We divide the children into small groups of 4 each, and together they will discuss both stories, "The Shy Girl," and "The Coward." They will agree what feelings and needs are involved, and two endings will be thought up, one for each story. One member of each group will fill out the work sheet. After all the groups are ready, each group reads to the others their group's answers (needs and feelings) and their endings to the stories. On the board we draw two circles: one is MARK (Croat. MIRKO) and the other is LUKE (Croat. LUKA). We divide each into two halves: the upper half for NEEDS, and the lower half for FEARS. Within each half of each circle we will write down the answers most commonly given on the worksheets. Discussion after activity: Whose ending for Martina is the best one? Which ending to the story about Luke and Mark do you thing most is realistic?
	Let's sing a song. This is a well known children song that makes children follow the text with gestures: "When you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!... When you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!...When you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, when you're happy and you know it clap your hands!...When you're happy..., clap your hands, snap your fingers!..When you're happy and you know it, clap your hands, snap your fingers, stomp your feet...etc."

NEEDS AND FEELINGS Story 1 : The Shy Girl Martina could hardly wait for the end of class, because she hoped that she would meet Vinko in the hallway, at least for a brief moment. But Vinko remained with a group of boys and girls from his class. When Martina peeked out of the classroom, everybody turned toward her, so she thought she would fall into a hole. Nevertheless, she bravely went out and turned toward the meeting hall. Vinko's group started to say something, to giggle and to point in the direction of her feet. Martina turned red, looked down at her feet, but she couldn't see anything unusual. Martina's needs__________________________________________________________ Martina's feelings (fears)___________________________________________________ Write down on a separate piece of paper the end of the story! ******** Story 2: The Coward When classes were over Mirko played soccer with the boys. Everybody enjoyed the match very much, but Luka suggested something else. Knowing that his parents were not at home he got a brilliant idea: "Let's go to my house!" When everybody was sitting in his bedroom he said, "See that window on to the roof? Let's see who can climb down fastes from the window. Whoever does it in the shortest time is the winner." Some boys thought it was a great idea, but Mirko didn't think so. He said to everyone very loudly: "That's stupid. I'm going home.'' Luka started to laugh at him and said that he was a coward. The others immediately went on Luka's side. Mirko felt scared and uneasy. He knew that he couldn't climb out over the roof, that he always felt sick of heights, and besides he didn't want to do it. He wanted to play soccer with the boys, and not to compete against them. Mark's (Mirko's) needs____________________________________________________ Luke's (Luka's) needs ____________________________________________________ Mark's (Mirko's) feelings (fears) _____________________________________________ Luke's (Luka's) feelings (fears)______________________________________________ Write the end of the story.

SITUATION CARDS Your father decided you should spend your holidays with your granny, while you had hoped to spend them with your friend at the sea. You had been invited by his parents to stay with them there. Somebody is trying to persuade you to eavesdrop on the conversation in the next room but you are aware of the indecency and dishonesty of doing that. Your sister is trying to persuade you to try on your mother's new dress but you know that would make your mother very angry. Your maths teacher invited your parents to come to school but you don't know why. You didn't do anything wrong, you are good at maths, and you did your homework. You came home very late. Everybody is really mad at you because they were frightened for your safety. Somebody makes fun of your new hair cut.

* Violet Oaklander, Windows to Our Children (in Croatian translation: Put do djecjeg srca, Skolska knjiga, Zagreb 1997)